Heart don't fail me now. Courage don't desert me.

“Anyone can give up it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s the true strength.”

John and I were discussing my possible resignation when that *points upward* quote flashed on the TV screen. Coincidental much? I am now at a point wherein I just want to throw in the towel, quit work and bum and sleep all day until I get tired of it. But there is still something inside me that tells me not to let go. I figured that it is mainly my pride. My pride just won’t let me let others think that they were right. That they were right when they thought that I cannot handle the position and that there’s a better person for it out there. My pride just won’t let me let others think that I am weak. I have always prided myself to be strong so that is harder for me to swallow.

Family and friends have all said that they would support my decision if I do decide to give up. They say that they miss the old me; the old me that was fun, lively and not dead-stressed with work. Even my husband who lives on the same house with me tells me that he misses me.

That is one of the things that makes me sad about this whole thing. This is taking over my life. But then again, this can’t go on forever right? But can I wait ‘til it’s over? I really don’t know.

I told John that even before I went into the fight (which is accepting the new challenge that comes with the position) I was already tired with everything related to work. And now that I am in it already, I realize that it requires a lot from me. Something that I don’t know how to give because it wasn’t there in the first place. The glitz of getting a higher position blinded me and now I not only fail myself, I also fail those who believed in me. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I will fail the people who believe in me.

What will happen to my life if I decide to quit? What will happen to my future? Where do I go now? What do I do? I can’t seem to find the answer. But what I do know is every day is a struggle and Monday is a bigger one. Hey! What do you know? It is a Monday today.