02.03.10

I turned 27 last Friday, January 29. How does 27 feel? Well, it felt flat. Ok. So maybe not entirely but the bone of contention for me was that I did not get the giddy feeling I used to get whenever my birthday comes up. It was as if I was going through the motion. And that made me extremely sad.

Back then, as soon as the year hit the “Ber” months I am all hyped up for the holiday season simply because I know that it’s celebration after celebration. Christmas will be followed by New Year then my birthday. When John and I got together it has gotten even better. What with Anniversary, Christmas, New Year, my birthday and Valentine’s I should be stoked afterwards! But that’s not the case anymore. It made me realize that a lot of things have consumed my life. And I would have to say that the most consuming right now is work. I have been saying this for over a year and I am saying it again, I am tired. The reason that was holding me back before has gotten bigger. I am thinking again if this is all worth it. It doesn’t help that I am once again feeling helpless with the given situation. I am tired. My team is tired and the morale is low. People are stretched so thin that you can see through it but I am aware that not all are at their optimal performance.

Maybe the 4-day off is the culprit for this nagging feeling. But I wonder, if all is well shouldn’t I be energized to go back to work and dive right into it after my rest period. Instead, I want more. I have a list of things to do and they just keep on getting longer. And I simply don’t have the will and energy to work on them. I am so tempted to go to my supervisor and tell him that I won’t be going back to work tomorrow, that they can cope without me. I am sure they will. I’ve seen it happen before. If that’s not the case, I should have seen Jelo’s replacement. Things have been far more complicated and I signed up for it. I did not know that it would break me more often that it would make me feel fulfilled.

I want contentment. I want simplicity. I do not like the circus that I am in together with the freaks that are masquerading as clowns. I know I should have the power to change my destiny but you will find out soon that I am always lost and that I go with the flow. It has worked well for me. It has gotten me where I am now both in a very good standing career-wise and a ruckus which is my personal life.

I have often wondered when the other shoe would drop. Is it anytime soon?