joke time! **ayoko na ayusin. good luck na lang sa'yo.**

...A frog went inside Malacanang Palace..It deeply disturbed GMA becausewhen the frog croaked it said....."Korap! Korap! Korap!************ ********* *******Titser: What is the new definition of graft and corruption?Student: Back off!Teacher: Very good at one of you is reading the newspapers. What then isthe meaning of COMELEC?Student: Fixer, ma'am.Titser: Very good! What is the meaning of FG?Student: Full of Greed, ma'am!Titser: Very, very good!************ ********* *******3 surgeons trying to impress each other's skill:Dok 1: I operated the arm of this guy and he's now a famousbasketball star.Dok 2: I operated the leg of this guy and now he's a famousmarathon runner!Doc 3: That's nothing. I put a mole on the face of this shit idiotand now she's the PRESIDENT!!************ ********* *******Mga bagong pangalan ngayon:1. Aveli No Razon2. NaniLITO Atienza3. Mike Defensuhol4. Joking Aroy O5. Ben Aba Lost6. Bobong Revilla7. Unggoy Estrada8. Alan Peter Cayetanong9. Gen Angel Atububo10. Sergio A Butol11. SiRaul O. Goonzales12. Juan Pesteng Enrile13. Romulo Neri vioso************ ********* *******Mike Arroyo: Laging masama ang pakiramdam ko lately, Doc.What must I do to get better?Doc: Sir, it's always better to lie in bed than to lie at the Senate.************ ********* *******Abalos's Prayer:ZTE father, who are in China, hakot be thy name, thy kickbackcome, thy wealth be done, in Wack-Wack as it is in Comelec.Give me this day my daily bribe, and conceal all my sins, as Iconceal those sin along with me, and if I am led into temptation,deliver me from criticism, its power, and its money forever andever. Amen.************ ********* *******When Abalos offered Romulo Neri a bribe, the 57 year oldbachelor almost said yes...Because he thought he heard BRIDE.************ ********* *******American: We went thru a terrible crises because of 9/11. Howabout you Filipinos?Filipino: Oh, we have our 4'11 and we are still experiencingthe worst.************ ********* *******Sa Umpisa ang tawag sa taong walang hiya:--MAKAPALNung lumala ay naging--GARAPALNgayon malubha na. Ang tawag:--MAKAPAGAL!************ ********* *******Here's the latest:Nagsalita na si Neri about GMA, di raw nya sinabi na"She's evil"...Sabi raw niya: Gloria "wears Prada".************ ********* *******Nakita ko si GMA, matangkad naman pala siya!----Mahal.************ ********* *******Hindi lahat ng party ay masaya--3RD PARTYHindi lahat ng 13 ay malas--13TH MONTH PAYHindi lahat ng negative nakakalungkot- -PREGNANCYTEST (whew)Hindi lahat ng positive ipinasasaya- -HIV POSITIVE************ ********* *******The girl texted her boyfriend, "mahal, punta ka sa bahay,walang tao..."Nagmamadali umalis ang boyfriend!Pagdating sa bahay ng girlfriend.. .Katok cya ng katok!Walang ngang tao! hehehe************ ********* *******3 girls paalam sa erpats:Girl 1: Dad, am going out with PETE to EATGirl 2: I'm going out with LANCE to DANCEGirl 3: I'm going out with REX....Dad: Ah hinde! Dito ka lang!!!************ ********* *******Panibagong sagot sa tanong na: "musta lovelife?""eto self supporting."************ ********* *******Anak: Tay, totoo po bang may multo?Tatay: Anak walang multo! Bakit mo naitanong?Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo!Tatay: Anak...Tangina naman, wala tayong yaya!************ ********* *******Estudyanteng Ngongo: "abi ni ir kung penis na kayo, buburatinko na ang black board, baka mapekpek nyo pa exam, kayapenis or not penis, fuck your pepe!!!"************ ********* *******Ate: Inday, chinese pasko ah, sinosino ba ikaw bati?Inday: Ay ati benate ku napu c koya nabate ku na din pu drivernaten. Si sir, babatehen ku uli mamayang gabe.************ ********* *******Inday: Ate, kailangan daw ipaEXTRAY ulo ni junior?Mother: Gaga anong EXTRAY?Inday:Ano pu ba ati?Mother: CT SKULL!! Bobo!************ ********* *******"Walang matinong lalake sa malanding babae"mali....Eto dapat"Walang malanding babae kung matino ang lalake."************ ********* *******Bahay ng mag-asawa pinasok ng killer....Killer: Bago ko patayin lahat ng biktima ko ay kinikilala ko muna.Ikaw mrs, ano pangalan mo?Mrs: Inday po.Killer: Napakagandang pangalan, kapangalan mo nanay ko.Hindi na kita papatayin. Ikaw mr, ano pangalan mo?Mr: Ah Pedro po, pero my friends call me Inday.************ ********* *******Buyer: Magkano kambing?Muslim: Isang libo.Buyer: Ha? mahal naman! 800 nalang.Muslim: Di pwede, sabi ASAWA ko wag benta pag di libo.Buyer: Ganon?! Kalahati libo?Muslim: Yan! Pwede na.************ ********* *******Chinese feng shui: If MIRROR at the stairs, may swelte at grasyaakyat. If MIRROR at the door, may swelte at grasya pasok.If MIRROR at the ceiling, ikaw swelte, nasa loob ka ng MOTEL!************ ********* *******Teacher: Juan, give me colors that start with letter M, except maroon!Juan: Hhmmm...Maitim!Mapute!Maputla!Madilaw!Mukhang berde!Mejo asul!Mamink-mink!************ ********* *******3 Palatandaan na tumatanda ka na:1) Tuhod na lang ang Tumitigas.2) Buhok nalang ang Tumatayo.3) Mukha nalang ang Nagagalit.************ ********* *******10 MOST POWERFUL WOMEN ayon sa Forbes Magazine.10. Oprah Winfrey9. Gloria Arroyo8. Kris Aquino7. Katrina Halili6. Mrs. Mo5. Biyenan Mo4. Mrs. ng Brother Mo.3. Biyenan Nya2. Hipag Mo1. Si Inday************ ********* *******HOW TO PASS A BAD NEWS: (katiwala and amo sa fone)Ed: Helo, boss si ed po ito, yung katiwala sa mansion.Amo: O, napatawag ka.Ed: Ibabalita ko lang po sana sa inyo na patay na yung alaganong imported na kabayo.Amo: Bakit? Anlaki pa naman ang ginastos ko dun.Ed: Namatay kakahila ng kariton ng tubig.Amo: Para san naman yung tubig?Ed: Para sa sunog po.Amo: Diyos ko, anung sunog?Ed: Yung mansion po, sumagi po kasi yung kandila kaya yun,nasunog.Amo: Para san ba yung kandila, may kuryente naman ah?Ed: Para sa burol po.Amo: Burol? Sino namatay?Ed: Yung nanay nyo po. Dumating po kasi kagabi ng walangpasabi, kala ko magnanakaw, kaya yun, nabaril ko.************ ********* *******An American missionary at his Sunday Bible Study, decided toshow his proficiency in Filipino, so he began:"Alem nenyo mge enek ko? Pegnemetey keyo, kung mabutekeyo selupe, pegdeting nenyo se lengit, seselubungen keyo nengmge enghel na meleleke eng pekpek....."************ ********* *******10 utos sa sex:1.Bawal umaray.2. Kailangan maghubad3. Walang timeout, nakakabitin4. Dapat biyaheng langit.5. Pwede umungol sa sarap.6. Dapat higit sa 3 ang style na alam mo.7. Wag magmamadali, dahan-dahan lang.8. Bawal gawin sa maraming tao.9. Wag tumigil hanggat di nasasagad.10. At higit sa lahat, kailangan labasan.************ ********* *******Dalawang bata naguusap:Boy: Halika, laro tayo ng "WAGWAG"Girl: Paano naman laruin yon?Boy: Simple lang. Hubarin mo damit mo, tapos patong ako sataas mo. Tapos sigaw ka ng "Wag! Wag!.************ ********* *******Use DEDICATE in a sentence....Pag ginamitan mo yan ng glue for sure DEDICATE yan...How about CONTINUE....Kahapon ang dami dami nyo bakit ngayon ang CONTINUE....Idagdag pa natin ang VIOLET....Naholdap yung cellphone ko, di bale I'll VIOLET.....eto pa..OPINION. ...Papasok ka sa pinto kung OPINION....Eh ang CONCLUSION.. ..Syempre, di ka naman makakapasok sa pintuan CONCLUSION.. .************ ********* *******Mag-ama nakasakay sa barko habang bumabagyo...Anak: Tay! Nag-aalala po ako. Parang lulubog ang barko.Tatay: Tanga! Ba't ka mag-aalala eh di naman atin ito!************ ********* *******Isang binata naputulan ng parehong braso, pagdating sa ospital:Binata: Doc gamutin myo po ako naputol parehong braso ko.Doc: Mga anong oras ka ba naputulan?Binata: Mga 10 oras na po.Doc: 10?! Eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumunta dito?Binata: HALLER! Mahirap kaya pumara ng jeep!!************ ********* *******Nanay: Papauwi ka na ba? Asan ka na?Anak: Andito po ako sa ospital...Nanay (umiiyak): Ha? Ano nangyari sayo?!Anak: Nay, nurse po ako, duty ako ngayon!************ ********* *******Tired of everyday doing? 5 tips for something new:1. Sikmuraan ang unang taong kasalubong at humingi ng sorry.2. Uminom ng pampatulog ngunit labanan ito, magexercise.3. Tibagin ang bahay at buuing muli.4. Himatayin kunwari sa daan, tiyaking may tao.5. Tahiin ang pwet at magpatingin sa doktor.************ ********* *******A large signboard says:"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY."Nakita ng lasenggo..."So what?! Sino ba nagmamadali? "************ ********* *******New Year's resolution ko sa taon 2008:1. Di na ako mangangako, Promise!2. Di na ako mag-iingles. Never again!3. Di na ako magsasalita ng tapos. Period!************ ********* *******Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni sir mo lagi na langmay lipstick?Maid: Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah?!?!Misis: Ihanda mo na ang paboritong pagkain ni sir mo.Maid: Nakahanda na po, naghugas na po ako.************ ********* *******Magaling na gitarista si Mang Juan. Lagi syang pinagkakaguluhanng mga tao.Tao 1: Mang Juan alam nyo ba yung Endless Love?Mang Juan: Cge, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko!Tao 2: My Way po.Mang Juan: Cge, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko!Napansin ng isang bata na lawit bayag ni Mang Juan, nakashirt lang kasi.Bata: Alam nyo bang kita betlog nyo?Mang Juan: Cge, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko!************ ********* *******"I'm so sick and tired of this cruel life! In solitude I always threadthis life's road, amidst spooky, cold and uncertain darkness ofthe night. Shouting relentlessly at the top of my lungs, just totouch your ears and answer your erotic cravings..." Balot Vendorna sosyal at depressed!************ ********* *******Anak: Tay, ano po kayang magandang gawin kasi yung pantyng gf ko me tatak na NO ENTRY?Tatay: Easy lang anak, yung brief mo markahan mo ng GOV'TPROJECT - DO NOT DELAY.************ ********* *******Jr: Nay, nagloko ba si lolo noong buhay pa sya?Mom: Pag namatay ako, tatangungin ko sya sa langit.Jr: Eh kung nasa hell si lolo?Mom: Tatay mo ang magtatanong!************ ********* *******LACOSTE polo shirts, all colors available for only P150.Pero ang buwaya nangangagat ng utong!Ano, pa-reserve ka?************ ********* *******Sa totoo lang ang tanging karamdaman na nakita ng docktorsa akin sa edad ko na ito ay....OSTEOPURO-SEX! Ikaw rin ba kaibigan?************ ********* *******Economics Professor: "Now tell me what is the similarity betweenyour bank account and a bra?Student: "Well, the more in it, the better interest you get."************ ********* *******Nanay: Langya! Anak buntis ka?Anak: Opo nay...Nanay: sinong may gawa nyan?Anak: Nay, project po ito tungkol sa miracle of life.Nanay: Putrages kahit ba sinong Poncio Pilato ang bumuntissayo pakukulong ko. Sabihin mo! Sino?!Anak: Nay...marami po eh...group project...************ ********* *******A successful marriage depends on two necessary requirements:Wife having beauty secrets; Husband having secret beauties.************ ********* *******A gorgeous lady stands at the railing of the ship holding her hattight so it wont be blown away.Man: Excuse me, I dont intend to be rude, but your skirt isblowing up in this high wind!Lady: Yes, I know. I need both my hands to hold this hat.Man: But, you are not wearing any underwear and you haveexposed it all!Lady: Sir, anything you see down there had been used for years.I just bought this hat today!************ ********* *******Husband to Doctor: "I want to have a vasectomy"Doctor: "Did you discuss this with your family?"Husband: "I asked my children and they voted favorable, 17-2"************ ********* *******Confucius says: "If you want to remember something, tie a stringaround your finger and if you want to forget everything, tie a ropearound your neck.************ ********* *******Wife 1: What's your secret to ensure a long hard erection?Wife 2: I just follow the doctor's Instruction:"SHAKE WELL BEFORE USING!"************ ********* *******What's the similarity between an old man fucking a young ladyand a young man fucking an old woman?Both men are having a hard time getting an erection!************ ********* *******Question: What's a birth control pill?Answer: It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouthto prevent pregnancy!************ ********* *******Man to Doctor: Is there a way for long life?Doc: Get married.Man: Will it help?Doc: No, but the thoughts of long life will never come to yourmind again.************ ********* *******Life depends on the way you think. For example:Read this:ApenisinhermouthWhat did you read?A pen is in her mouth, or did your dirty mind read something else?************ ********* *******Wife mad at drunk husband: From now on, lips that touch liquorwill never touch mine...(Later she said): What are you thinking?Husband: Trying to decide between 12year old scotch and50year old lips.